Ever have something happen to you that seemed so absurd even at the time you could do nothing but shake your head and laugh? Something that would usually mortify you and that you’d never share with your closest friends, much less randoms on the internet?
Intrigued, aren’t you? Desperate to know more? Um…bored out of your skull already?
Recently, we changed the locks on the house. Unfortunately, the new ones lock automatically. Great for when coming into the house, not so much when leaving.
I was home sick yesterday. At some point during the afternoon, a knock on the door. UPS delivering some books I’d ordered. Phone in hand, I stepped outside to gather the packages from the porch. The door swung shut behind me. My hand touched the door at the same instant I realized it would have locked behind me. Damn. Fuck.
Several people have spare keys to the house, but none were available, as those who actually have them didn’t get off work for several hours. I wasn’t desperate enough to call a locksmith or break a window…yet. I had a graphic novel (Alan Moore’s incredible ‘The Courtyard) and my phone. No big deal, right? It’s a nice day.
Except…I suddenly noticed that feeling. You know, the one you try to ignore? That one. The feeling that says, ‘I have to pee’. Dammit.
I read some of my graphic novel. Tweeted a bit. Sent texts to a few friends. The feeling grew. Finally, after about an hour or more outside, I admitted to myself that I wasn’t going to be able to hold it much longer.
In hindsight, I wonder why I didn’t go to a neighbor’s house. But in the midst of a situation as goofy as this one, we (ok, I) don’t always think in the most logical sequence.
So it’s at this point I found myself, barefoot, creeping around my house to the relative privacy of my backyard. It’s mostly surrounded by trees, true. Mostly private unless the neighbors would come around the side of their own home to the back.
I nervously glanced around me, making sure I was as hidden from the road and neighbors as possible. And dropped trou. That’s right. I was naked from the waist down, peeing behind my own damned house. I’ve not had to urinate outside since I was 18 (and before you ask, no, I wasn’t drinking at the time. We’d broken down on a road surrounded by farms and sky).
Many people might feel embarrassed about this. I briefly considered the fleeting feelings of shame. Then I realized that if I were a man, I’d think nothing of whipping it out and taking care of business. Sure, as a woman it’s a little more logistically challenging. But I managed to make it work, and didn’t even pee on myself!
I had trouble coming up with some suitably amusing wrap-up for this little anecdote. But I don’t have much more to say. I peed. I eventually got back in the house. I showered. For the love of Pete woman! Bring your keys when you leave the house…hell, have em in your hand when you even open the door.